Saturday, October 29, 2005

Run Hutan Run! Be a True Man

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
اللهم صل على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم

Run Hutan Run! Be a True Man
By Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman


The sweat glands naturally cool off his high body temperature. He is neither having a fever nor any heat is causing him to sweat. It is the running that causes it. His legs are not stopping although his heart and lungs can stand no more. He keeps on running while breathing profusely. He doesn’t care if he blows up throughout those miles. He doesn’t mind the pain from running as long as he can get rid of the pain within him. He can’t take it anymore but it just won’t leave him. “Go away! Leave me alone. Go away!” He shouted but his plead wont change a thing. How can he kill it when it is already inside of him. Must he kill himself to kill it? He wont dare.

*******

Hutan was never a well-known person but recently, he was a favorite among some. He was asked to be their partner and he would gladly accept their offers, enjoying every attention, which he once lacked of. His popularity increased as he shamelessly announced his real identity. He was inspired by the fact that people like him has already been recognized by the government. He could open up himself and his feeling would no longer be kept in the dark. “It is time. This feeling cannot be blamed, as it is natural. I will let this feeling roam freely”, he said to himself.

Hutan was living as a gay but as the time passed, he realized that most normal people had shunned him away rather than accepting him, especially the Muslim society. He had explained to them that he’s a Muslim practicing what every Muslim should practice. “I still pray the five time prayers and fast in the Ramadhan. This is a natural feeling which I have no control over it. Can it not be an exception?” He asked an Ustaz. The Ustaz replied in a soft-spoken manner that homosexuality is haram and very wrong. He added that the feeling, which Hutan had, was not mere feeling by nature but it was actually the nafs. Such feeling or rather nafs would lead a person into wrongdoings and Maksiat. So, being a gay is forever sinful and the whole feeling cannot be condoned and should not be given the freedom to control. Hutan understood a little but had promised the ustaz that he would try to change.

He didn’t change as promised. He had become from worse to worst, still having the perception that everything was in accordance with the nature. He was drowning deeper into ignorance when the ustaz bumped into him one day in a despicable condition. “Hutan! This is too much. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself falling into the hands of the nafs and shaitan?” Scolded the ustaz in a serious and harsh tone, unlike the first time when he had advised him. Hutan was expressionless for the remark had no impact on him. He then said, “didn’t I tell you that this feeling is natural. You haven’t shown me that it is not. Maybe you too will enjoy it if you let me prove it to you”. The ustaz was overwhelmed with fury and knocked him down with a hard punch. Hutan groaned in pain while the ustaz took him by the collar and held his strong fist inches away from Hutan’s face. He didn’t punch him for the second time but still in that position he said, “Listen here. This anger within me is a natural feeling but this anger is also from the nafs and shaitan. If only I didn’t stop and withdraw myself from this shaitan’s play and let it control me with this anger, I would have bashed your face into pulps. I am controlling myself Hutan and why cant you? The real strength is when we manage to free ourselves from the nafs and shaitan’s influence towards our emotions and feelings. We can then say that we are strong”. The Ustaz was calm again. Hutan was speechless and ran away. He ran without ceasing and that was how he came about running desperately wanting to be free from the powerful influence of his nafs that was inside him.

*******

Of course he wont dare kill himself. He hasn’t repent and he has been living with sins and in Allah’s anger for too long. He doesn’t want to die in a dirty state. He begins to fear Allah and the torments in the hellfire. His heart is pumping hard and his blood has rushed up to his head after that long run. He is thinking well again and he knows what has to be done. Repentance will be his first step followed by the resolution to change for the better. He needs the guidance, “Ustaz, can you show me to the right path. I want to be a man. A true man”. The ustaz smiles and says, “May Allah give us the guidance and may He accept our repentance”. He then concluded, “Don’t just be a man. Be a man with iman and taqwa. That is a true man”.

قال عليه الصلاة والسلام: كل بني آدم خطاء وخير الخطائين التوابون