Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Up Those Ladders

Up Those Ladders
By Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman
I’ve tasted failure many times but two of these many times were the tightest slaps so far in my life of 21 years. Both happened in the period of my education years when I was changing ladders; changing levels. I can still remember clearly the first failure, which I’d tasted. It was bitter. It was worst than bitter at that moment upon realizing the fact that I had flunked. How could it be accepted when I’ve been graded well for the past few years and suddenly, I stumbled on the ladder of secondary level. The world around me was spinning fast; I couldn’t catch up with it and I couldn’t think. I was in confusion. Then, mother appeared in the midst of my breakdown. She had said so many positive sayings, which gave impacts to my senses. “Failing once doesn’t mean you’ll fail forever”. That is true. The spinning world slowed down and eventually came to a halt. My mind was sound again and I recovered. I knew what should be done. Ignoring the failure, I proceeded in climbing the ladder again although I was hurt from the stumble. I could see then that ahead of me is not always failure. Success galore.

The secondary level stage ended smoothly afterwards. Soon, at the higher corner I could see another ladder to be climbed; the pre-university stage that was. It was a shorter one in comparison with the previous two ladders. The length of it boosted my confidence to smooth-climb it without a single fall this time. The overconfidence was a mistake. I fell again. I was devastated for I could avoid the fall but was complacent. I started blaming myself. “It’s not as if it’s the end of the world if you fail”. My mother was there again for me. I picked myself up again and moved on, knowing that more chances of succeeding await up ahead.

Alas, done with the pre-u level and the university’s ladder was already being prepared for me. This time around, I was not very motivated to climb the ladder and taking my time in doing so. Neither was I being careful with the steps nor was I tired. I was beginning to ponder. What was I aiming for? I had climbed ladders from below, fell and climbed up again, not knowing to what peak should I be reaching. All this while, I’ve been believing that I was achieving the ultimate goal, which was at the peak above and that was why I kept climbing those ladders. I was always looking up, concentrating only to reach higher and higher. Is my goal really up those ladders? I wondered. The university ladder has to pend. I ceased climbing and began another journey.

The journey to Tarim was the best experience. All praise to Allah for bringing me to Tarim and DaruzZahra. The serenity, the people, the habaib, the knowledge, the adab etc were amazing and awe-inspiring. This place is really blessed. I was there for a short period of time but my mind and heart did find truth and peace. I knew then what to conclude with the ladder episodes. I understood the goal, which I’ve been searching for. The ultimate goal was for Allah’s redha; mardhatillah and it's not at the highest peak of each ladder. It's at every step of those ladders. As you climb these steps, you are yearning for Allah’s redha. At each step, you may acquire, disseminate knowledge and all these will only be blessed if you do it for Allah’s sake. That is why some may attain barakah along with their knowledge and some don’t. One day, all of us will appear before Allah and answer our deeds. How can we face Him if our deeds were once based on personal desires and not on Allah’s redha. (اللهم أنت مقصودي ورضاك مطلوبي) By clinging this ultimate goal in mind, falling from any steps of those ladders wont cause much effect for we know that we are being tested by Allah. Our hearts and minds are at ease and we will be in peace.
قال الله تعالى:(ولنبلونكم حتى نعلم المجاهدين منكم والصابرين ونبلو أخباركم)ء

With this, be sure that our deeds are purely for the sake of Allah. We tend to stray at times for we are humans and humans make mistake but the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent as was mentioned by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).
(كل بني آدم خطاء وخير الخطائين التوابون). Allah is always there for us for He is our ultimate goal and His redha is indeed our aim. We will strive, persevere and to Allah we return.

Now I am prepared to climb the ladder, which was before being put as pending. I will take note of each step, not only rushing for its peak. Will I stumble again like I had at the previous ladders? That I leave it to Allah to decide (وأفوض أمري الى الله إن الله بصير بالعباد). One thing for sure, my world wont be spinning again and I wont feel devastated should that happen.
(ما شاء الله كان وما لم يشأ لم يكن ولا حول ولاقوة الا بالله العلي العظيم)


بقلم الفقيرة الى الله راجية لعفو ربها
نادية هانم بنت عبدالرحمن
جامعة الأزهر بالمنصورة
31.12.2004

Monday, January 30, 2006

Her Last Message

Her Last Message
by Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman
I have a story that I want to tell.. The story of which I dont want to forget.
1 message received...
My handphone beeped, showing a message has been received. I was too lazy to reach for it. I left it on my desk which was only few steps away but I was too lazy. I had said that before didnt I? It was not really about laziness. I had already comfortably positioned myself under the warm blanket with a book in my hand. Exam was to be on the following day. So, I was studying or quite like that. I did eventually move for the handphone. I couldnt ignore messages. I simply love them.
It stated (nadiaaa... I miss you... miss you... come down to alex quickly...)
Such a message brightened up my day. I was smiling. Putting my handphone away, I thought to myself, "how strange but nice. Maybe I'll reply later after finishing my revision". It was Friday morning on the 30th of December, just one day before my birthday. I felt happy and old.
The message was from my friend in alexandria. She studied in a university there and mine, in mansoura, 4hrs journey away from hers. We had planned to get together after examination but she had already asked me to come down to her place. I would greatly want to meet up with her but I would have to concentrate on my revision for the upcoming paper. It was in the morning and my mind was sound and fresh. 6hours had passed and only few more pages to go when my handphone rang. It was already in the afternoon and my head started to ache. I assumed that the call was from the same friend. I was delighted. After a strainful revision, I could use a rest with a conversation. It was not her. Another friend was on the line, sending me straight to alexandria.
"Wait up my friend. I am on my way to alex and quickly too, just like you had asked me too. Forgive me, I didnt know". I arrived in alex but my friend was not there. She had been taken away; her body by the ambulance and her soul by The Allmighty Allah. I stared at her last message and replied to it.
It stated (Khadijaaah... I miss you... miss you also... I am already in alex...)
Sending message failed...
**************
Our Dear Friend, Siti Khadijah Bte Ahmad had passed away (in Alexandria, Egypt) in the best of manners (HusnulKhatimah). It was on Friday and she was fasting. Those who are fasting are the nearest to Allah. Above all, She was in a state of seeking knowledge, to uphold the pure Islamic Knowledge so as to gain Allah's Redha. That is the utmost objective in the life of a servant to Allah.
May she be ranked among the shahidin and also the solihin. May we be gathered together in the hereafter with our Beloved Prophet Muhammad Sollallahu 'alaihi wassalam. Ameen
Ya Allah biha Ya Allah biha.. Ya Allah biHusnil Khatimah!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Bisa Sakit Jiwa?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
اللهم صل على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم
Kenapa ya aku bisa berasa bingung. Kadangkala perasaan ini terbolak-balik dengan sendirinya. Bisa sahaja emosi ini keterlaluan. Kesedihan tiba tanpa sebab. Apabila ditanya, aku setakat menjawab "entah ye..". Nah, aku sendiri tidak mengerti. Mungkin ini yang dinamakan oleh pakar sakit jiwa kemurungan atau depresi. Memang manusia sering begini. Memandangkan aku juga manusia, jadi tidak mustahil untuk aku berasa sebegitu. Kesakitan pada jiwa. Pakar sakit jiwa juga bisa sahaja sakit jiwa. Sudah jelas mereka juga manusia. Tidakkah begitu?.
Maka aku kembali kepadaNYA untuk mendapatkan jawapan kerana aku seorang faqir yang tidak tahu apa-apa.
قال الله تعالى:(الذين آمنوا وتطمئن قلوبهم بذكر الله * ألا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب) الرعد:8
Allah berfirman: (Orang-orang yang beriman dan hati-hati mereka menjadi tenang dengan mengingati Allah. Tidakkah dengan mengingati Allah hati-hati akan menjadi tenang).
Emosi dari hati. Hati dari siapa?. Ketenangan hati adalah penting untuk tidak merasakan emosi yang berlebihan sehingga bisa memasukkan kita dalam kategori "orang sakit jiwa". Jadi, apa yag sebenarnya boleh menenangkan hati-hati kita ini?. Tanyakan sahaja dengan Dia yang membuat hati, yang Maha Mengetahui segala-galanya sehinggalah pada hati kita kerana Dialah Pembuat hati-hati ini.
(...Tidakkah dengan mengingati Allah hati-hati akan menjadi tenang).
Itulah firman Allah Subhanahu waTa'ala. Solusi yang boleh membantu sesiapa yang merasakan hatinya tidak tenang. Inilah cara yang terbaik iaitu dengan mengingati Allah.
Orang yang sentiasa mengingati Allah tidak akan tergoncang hatinya oleh sebarang masaalah kehidupan. Walaupun dirinya disakiti, dilanda musibah, disingkiri tetapi hatinya tetap tenang.
Seperti Imam Shafi'i yang pernah dimalukan oleh seorang tukang jahit di khalayak ramai apabila beliau sedang mengajar. Si tukang jahit menjahit bahagian lengan kanan baju Imam terlebih besar dari yang kiri. Kemudian dia membukakan baju itu di hadapan orang dengan harapan Imam akan berasa marah dan malu. Orang ramai sudah mula tertawa. Imam Shafi'i hanya tersenyum sahaja dengan gelagat si tukang jahit. Beliau tahu yang tidaklah orang ini akan melakukan sedemikian melainkan dengan kehendak Allah, sememangnya untuk menguji kesabarannya. Imam Shafi'i langsung tidak mengikutkan perasaannya bahkan menenangkan hatinya dengan mengingati Allah. Beliau lalu menjawab, "terima kasih wahai tukang jahit. Memang kamu ini pintar. Sememangnya aku memerlukan baju lengan tangan besar untuk membolehkan aku membawa buku-buku di dalamnya".
Tenang sahaja orang-orang seperti Imam Shafi'i dan juga orang-orang mukmin yang sepertinya, yang sentiasa mengingati Allah. Dari itu, Allah tidak akan mensia-siakan mereka yang sentiasa dalam keadaan mengingati Allah. Maka Allah akan menenangkan jiwa dan hati mereka.
"errmmm.. ok.. tapi kan, mengingati Allah tu camne sebenarnya eh?"
InshaAllah, ianya akan diterangkan nanti... buat masa sekarang... cuba bangun malam... menyendiri dengan yang Maha Pencipta... menangis di hadapanNya kerana tangisan yang tulus boleh melembutkan hati yang keras... kemudian ketenangan akan menyusul InshaAllah.
alfaqirah ila maghfirati Rabbiha,
Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman
Mansoura, Mesir

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Reality Hurts

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
اللهم صل على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم
Reality Hurts
by Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman
He knows that he must go on. Ceasing his journey is a suicide. He is in the middle of the desert; alone, thirsty and weak. The scotching heat is burning him, finding its way deeper into his flesh and skin. He is not thinking of anything. Maybe the brain is melting away inside that head of his. Sheer moment awaits. Its either the heat-stroke or the dehydration. Both will eventually end his life. He will not let himself be pulled to the ground. He doesnt want to be seen falling down helplessly. Dragging each step, he perseveres not wanting to give up to death. Almost collapsing but he sees the oasis. Its only few metres away. Hope of survival crosses his mind.
He knows that he must go on. The oasis is only an armstretch away. He is now already on all fours. He doesnt really mind collapsing to the ground while drowning his head in the water. This time he is not alone. There is somebodyelse near him. He doesnt care the least and digs his head through the oasis further in. The water's taste like sand. No liquid quenches his extreme thirst. His head remains hot and dry and so is his throat. Reality weakens his already weak self. the oasis proves to be only a mirage and the somebodyelse with him is death himself. That hurts. How sad. Giving up, he surrenders himself hopelessly.
He is dead but I know that I must go on...

Monday, October 31, 2005

The Journey of an 'UlumSeeker [1]

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
اللهم صل على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم



The Journey of an ‘Ulum Seeker
by Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman

Neither natural light nor artificial ones lit the pitch-black road which I was passing. That was strange for there should be at least the full moonlit to accompany the middle of every month. Then again, this was no stranger than the road itself. What was I doing on a dark road stretching to nowhere. I was just heading forward as if an unseen force was leading me to another end of the road if there’s one. It seemed endless though. Few kilometers from the road was another few kilometers of a road and more roads down the road. How boring can it gets just like the life I was currently in, mundane that was. Finally, an object came in sight. I could see it from a distance and quickly moved towards it. It was a body. A dead body nicely wrapped in a white clothe from head to toe. It made no sense. It should have not been anyway. It was another dream. A dream which had left me wondering of its actual gist and meaning.

I’ve been having the same dream for three days in a row. Three days earlier, I felt the urge to make the istikharah prayer. I was in a lost, not knowing which path would eventually ease my troubled mind. I knew that I was in search of something, maybe the purpose of life but isn’t it not for Allah’s sake. Indeed it is, there’s no doubt about that but I was still thinking; blank pages of thoughts initially. Then, just when the exam for my final year in Madrasah Aljunied and the A'level was nearing, the initial blank thoughts formed into ideas. I knew afterwards what should be done. I must leave my country to seek.

The final year pre-U and A'level exams were stressing me out. Which exam doesn’t? But at least this stressfulness was giving me answers, apart from the repeated dreams. I had asked an ustadz to interpret and from a well-known book of interpretation of dreams, I saw the answer, Subhanallah. Frankly I couldn’t handle the final year. I was afraid of flunking and school projects were in abundance. I was not concentrating much on my A'level and I was losing hope on it. So many things to put my mind onto and to that extent, I felt hopeless. Allah is Great. He never leave His servant in a hopeless state and so solutions came pouring in.

A teacher saw me in distress and had asked me to recite a very meaningful ayah from the Quran, which I kept and still keeping it close to me, وأفوض أمري إلى الله, إن الله بصير بالعباد. Subhanallah, this was it. The meaning from it formed tears in my eyes and my heart was bursting, not from anxiety but from relief. Why the need of having a nervous breakdown or feeling scared or stressing myself too much with unnecessary thoughts when supposedly I have to leave everything to Allah. He’s The All Controller. The environment from the country which I live in should be partly blamed also. If not for it, I wouldn’t do too much of catching up with worldly things. That’s what most of us are doing presently if we ponder and notice.

I had decided to leave the country as soon as my final exam ends. Where to? Was yet to be decided. I did come to a decision and Tarim was to be my destination. Tarim is located in hadramaut, the southern part of Yemen and it has great scholars there. That was all I knew about the place then. “Of all places, why did you choose Yemen?” asked an ustadz. Not much of an encouragement. Most of my asatizah refuted the idea of continuing my studies there and their reasons were mainly the same. The place is in Yemen and the first thing which occurred in most people’s minds when hearing about this country is to associate it with terrorism. Some asatizah had no problem with that though but their ultimate concern was that, the place is not recognized, with no shahadah. Their concern was greatly appreciated but once my heart had set to something and this was not merely something, I held on to my plan although obstacles were inevitable. My parents gave me the green light to proceed with my intention. Only to Allah I praise and say my shukr.

The journey to Tarim begun. We landed in sanaa on late November 2003 and stayed in this capital of Yemen for few days. I scanned sanaa with curiosity. The environment, the buildings, the people and their language.

We then visited the old sanaa. The place was dated to the time of Abrahah when Christianity was the religion in Yemen. The buildings in the old sanaa awed me. The buildings and architectures were unique, aging around more than thousands of years old. The people living in this place still maintained their antiqueness way of dressing which was indescribable. I felt as if I was walking through time, to the past. The phony kaabah which was built by Abrahah (He’s the one who wanted to destroy the real kaabah but failed for calamity was brought upon him by Allah before he could do so) was transformed into garbage center and sewage.

I was getting ready to proceed to Tarim. It would be more than 10 hours journey by coach. Tarim’s not at all a popular place for tourists who wanted enjoyment. It’s a place where there are no entertainments of any sorts. The condition of the place is simple and not much can be expected. Rules are based on Islamic Shariah and women are veiled from top to toe in black. That was what I was told. I was about to visit this place which I only have little idea about it.

“Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar” which means “Allah The AllMighty, Allah The AllMighty”. It was at maghrib when we finally arrived in Tarim. The call for prayer was everywhere. Every corners of Tarim was the sound of azan. Tarim’s a small town but it has around 365 masjid and when the prayers’ were being called upon, the azan from every masjid could be heard simultaneously. Subhanallah. The van which we were in stop to a halt and the men rushed to the masjid for their maghrib prayer leaving the women. The women preferably pray indoors, not in masjid and so we waited for the men to finish their prayers and to bring us to where we will be staying. I was still trying to imagine the place where I would spend most of my time in it. From the van, I observed the town. I could only see buildings but there were no people around. It was like an abandoned town but it was not. The people of Tarim were either indoors or in the masjid praying in jama’ah. Once they had finished praying, the streets were no longer empty and quiet but still, only men could be seen doing activities. The women were nowhere to be found outdoors and I assumed that they were all in their homes at that hour of time.

Alas, the final destination for my trip was only few meters away from me. I was staring at the outer part of DaruzZahra. It was still under construction then. I couldn’t imagine how it would look like in the inside but I went ahead to bang on the huge door which made of iron. The door made a heavy sound when opened and along with the other newly-comers, we entered DaruzZahra. I was awe struck by the condition inside. I was indeed deceived by the outer condition of the building. It was far from what I had expected. Instantly I knew that I would be comfortable in this place called DaruzZahra in the blessed land of Tarim.
to be continued InshaAllah...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Bersama Mereka [1]

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
اللهم صل على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم
Bersama Mereka
oleh Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman

Alhamdulillah bulan sha’ban 1426H yang baru sahaja berlalu telah mengukir kenangan yang penuh bermakna di dalam diriku yang serba faqir ini. “Tidak ketahuan kemana dia telah menghilang”, kata teman-temanku serta asatizahku disini. “Mungkin sedang sibuk bekerja digaji orang”, tekaan mereka sebegini. Aku tidak peduli dengan dakwaan yang telah diberikan. Aku tidak hirau dengan sangkaan orang. Tidak perlu juga untuk aku menyebarkan berita tentang pemergianku ke tanah seberang. Mereka tidak mungkin mengerti. Cuma dari mereka yang akan aku dapat adalah soalan yang bertubi-tubi. Akhirnya mereka dapat menjejakiku yang sudah berada beribu batu. “Adakah kamu di Indonesia?” aku ditanya satu persatu. Sememangnya iya adalah jawapanku. “Aku perlu keluar dari negeriku”. Itulah penjelasanku.

“Wahai teman-teman dan guru-guruku. Aku kesal dengan pengisian hatiku yang dahulu. Destinasi mana yang harus aku tuju?. Mataku celik tetapi masih meraba. Ternyata hatiku ini diselimuti hiba. Aku memerhatikan keadaan kita di kota singa. Kesibukkan seharian manusia disini membuatku terpinga-pinga. Fikiranku melayang sejenak ke masa lampau. Sewaktu aku masih kecil, remaja dan belum merantau”.

Aku bukanlah sesiapa. Mahu dinamakan diri ini seorang murid tetapi tidak kesampaian adab yang diperlukan. Mahu dinamakan diri ini seorang guru tetapi pengamalan terhadap ilmu belum berkecukupan. Jadi, aku mahu mengetahui tentang ilmu yang disertakan adab. Juga tentang keberkatan ilmu apabila disampaikan. Memalukan sungguh kalau aku hanya pintar dalam mengajak orang dalam membuat kebaikan dan menahan diri mereka dalam melakukan keburukan tetapi diri ini sendiri masih belum bisa mengamalkannya. Orang mungkin tidak berasa tetapi Allah mengetahui segalanya. Aku malu dengan Allah dan Rasulullah.

Bukan aku tidak suka dengan kota singa ataupun cuba untuk menghina tetapi hakikatnya harus diterima. Gaya kehidupan sekarang ini terlalu melalaikan. Niat sudah kemana dan keikhlasan jarang kelihatan. Mereka seakan-akan sedang berlakon di dalam pementasan, mencerminkan kepalsuan di dalam perbuatan amal. Kejahilan berleluasa. Kebatilan dibanggakan. Hak yang sebenar pula susah untuk diterima. Mereka berkejaran sentiasa maju ke hadapan tetapi hak mereka kepada yang Maha Pencipta ketinggalan di belakang. Pengabdian yang sesungguhnya kepada Allah diremehkan. Mempelajari ilmu agama dianggap sampingan. Wawasan keduniaan diutamakan. Kuburan mereka tidak sempat dicahayakan. “Kami harus meningkatkan diri untuk kekal releven”, inilah alasan yang diberikan. Padahal peningkatan yang seharusnya diutamakan adalah peningkatan iman dan juga amal untuk bekalan akhirat yang sudah jelas kekal. Sekali lagi aku katakan, niat ini bukanlah untuk menghina. Hakikatnya, kita ini sentiasa alpa. Jangan sampai di akhirat nanti kita duka nestapa. Anak-anak ditinggalkan di dunia tanpa ilmu agama yang sempurna. Kita menderita di kuburan tanpa doa dari mereka. Ke manakah mereka? Mungkin belum belajar membaca ayat alquran ataupun memang sudah pintar, cuma… tiada masa!.

Bulan Sha’ban 1426H sudahpun menjelang dan telah bersabda Rasulullah yang mulia ‘alaihissolatu wassalam bahawa bulan Sha’ban adalah bulan baginda. Tidak dapat dibayangkan betapa indahnya jika dapat bersama-sama Rasulullah di dalam bulannya. Semoga dengan bersolawat keatas baginda dan sentiasa memperingatinya serta menghidupkan sunnahnya bisa mendekatkan diriku kepadanya serta para pencintanya yang lain di hari akhirat kelak. Ya, sememangnya cinta hakiki hanya kepada Allah dan Rasulullah. Tetapi aku mula mengadu... “Bagaimana aku bisa mengatakan cintaku kepadamu Ya Allah. Bagaimana aku bisa mengirimkan kata-kata cintaku kepada Rasulullah sedangkan aku masih belum melaksanakan hak-hakmu dengan sempurna. Aku masih belum mampu membahagiakan Rasulullah dengan amalan-amalanku yang masih terlalu berkurangan. Aku tidak mahu membohongimu Ya Allah dan aku tidak sangup membohongi kekasihmu Rasulullah dengan meluahkan rasa cintaku kepadamu dan Rasulullah sedangkan aku masih berpaut dengan kecintaan terhadap perkara-perkara duniawi. Ya Allah bantulah hambamu ini supaya dapat memilih cinta yang hakiki. Aku mencintaimu Ya Allah. Aku bisa terpaku dengan kebesaranmu Ya Allah. Aku bisa terharu dengan sifat-sifatmu yang Maha Agung. Engkaulah yang memiliki rahmat yang tidak terbatas luasnya. Engkaulah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang. Engkaulah segala-galanya. Aku juga tidak sanggup membayangkan kesedihan Rasulullah apabila beliau tahu betapa aku belum menjalankan amanah dengan baik untuk meneruskan perjuangannya”.

Rencanaku sudah tetap. Aku telah bercita-cita untuk pulang ke Tarim. Tempat yang penuh barakah, tidak terkata luasnya lautan ilmu disana, juga para awliya’ serta ulama’. Adab dan suluk sentiasa dijaga. Perkara ini yang mengagumkanku sewaktu pertama kali aku kesana. Dahulu, aku tidak tahu Tarim di mana. Perkataan seperti habaib dan ahlul bait juga tidak pernah aku tahu sehinggalah aku sudah disana. Aku bertanya siapakah di gambar itu. Sesungguhnya aku pernah melihatnya pada suatu ketika dahulu. Ternyata beliau adalah Habib Umar bin Hafidz. Pengasas ma’had yang sedang aku berada. Mereka heran kerana aku tidak mengenalinya, padahal aku sudah berada di ma’hadnya. Giliran mereka pula bertanya kepadaku, “habib mana yang kamu tahu?”. Jawapanku mengejutkan mereka kerana jawapanku adalah sebuah pertanyaan, “Habib itu apa?”. Mereka tidak sangka yang aku bisa sampai ke Tarim tanpa pengetahuan yang mudah seperti itu. Dalam kehairanan mereka bertanya lagi, “apa yang membuatmu untuk kesini?”. Aku juga tidak mengerti. Allah Subhanahu waTa’ala yang telah membuatkan hati ini untuk berminat kesini. Hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu, betapa aku bersyukur kepadaNya diatas kesempatan ini. Walaupun sebelumnya banyak perkara yang belum aku tahu, tetapi berkat tempat ini dan penghuninya telah mengajarku sebuah ilmu dan pengalaman yang bermakna.

Sayangnya, aku tidak berkesempatan untuk pulang ke Tarim. Mungkin bulan Sha’ban ini diisi di tempat yang lain. Rencanaku yang lain adalah untuk ke Indonesia. Teman-temanku ramai disana terdiri dari ahlul bait Rasulullah. Biar aku mengisi bulan Rasulullah ini bersama-sama keturunannya yang telah mewarisi dan sedang mensyiarkan ajaran baginda. Bisa aku mendapatkan berkat dan ilmu dari mereka. Alangkah baiknya berteman dengan keluarga baginda yang berada dilandasannya. Tidak dapat dibayangkan betapa indahnya jika bisa berteman langsung dengan Rasulullah juga.

bersambung InshaAllah...

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Run Hutan Run! Be a True Man

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
اللهم صل على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم

Run Hutan Run! Be a True Man
By Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman


The sweat glands naturally cool off his high body temperature. He is neither having a fever nor any heat is causing him to sweat. It is the running that causes it. His legs are not stopping although his heart and lungs can stand no more. He keeps on running while breathing profusely. He doesn’t care if he blows up throughout those miles. He doesn’t mind the pain from running as long as he can get rid of the pain within him. He can’t take it anymore but it just won’t leave him. “Go away! Leave me alone. Go away!” He shouted but his plead wont change a thing. How can he kill it when it is already inside of him. Must he kill himself to kill it? He wont dare.

*******

Hutan was never a well-known person but recently, he was a favorite among some. He was asked to be their partner and he would gladly accept their offers, enjoying every attention, which he once lacked of. His popularity increased as he shamelessly announced his real identity. He was inspired by the fact that people like him has already been recognized by the government. He could open up himself and his feeling would no longer be kept in the dark. “It is time. This feeling cannot be blamed, as it is natural. I will let this feeling roam freely”, he said to himself.

Hutan was living as a gay but as the time passed, he realized that most normal people had shunned him away rather than accepting him, especially the Muslim society. He had explained to them that he’s a Muslim practicing what every Muslim should practice. “I still pray the five time prayers and fast in the Ramadhan. This is a natural feeling which I have no control over it. Can it not be an exception?” He asked an Ustaz. The Ustaz replied in a soft-spoken manner that homosexuality is haram and very wrong. He added that the feeling, which Hutan had, was not mere feeling by nature but it was actually the nafs. Such feeling or rather nafs would lead a person into wrongdoings and Maksiat. So, being a gay is forever sinful and the whole feeling cannot be condoned and should not be given the freedom to control. Hutan understood a little but had promised the ustaz that he would try to change.

He didn’t change as promised. He had become from worse to worst, still having the perception that everything was in accordance with the nature. He was drowning deeper into ignorance when the ustaz bumped into him one day in a despicable condition. “Hutan! This is too much. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself falling into the hands of the nafs and shaitan?” Scolded the ustaz in a serious and harsh tone, unlike the first time when he had advised him. Hutan was expressionless for the remark had no impact on him. He then said, “didn’t I tell you that this feeling is natural. You haven’t shown me that it is not. Maybe you too will enjoy it if you let me prove it to you”. The ustaz was overwhelmed with fury and knocked him down with a hard punch. Hutan groaned in pain while the ustaz took him by the collar and held his strong fist inches away from Hutan’s face. He didn’t punch him for the second time but still in that position he said, “Listen here. This anger within me is a natural feeling but this anger is also from the nafs and shaitan. If only I didn’t stop and withdraw myself from this shaitan’s play and let it control me with this anger, I would have bashed your face into pulps. I am controlling myself Hutan and why cant you? The real strength is when we manage to free ourselves from the nafs and shaitan’s influence towards our emotions and feelings. We can then say that we are strong”. The Ustaz was calm again. Hutan was speechless and ran away. He ran without ceasing and that was how he came about running desperately wanting to be free from the powerful influence of his nafs that was inside him.

*******

Of course he wont dare kill himself. He hasn’t repent and he has been living with sins and in Allah’s anger for too long. He doesn’t want to die in a dirty state. He begins to fear Allah and the torments in the hellfire. His heart is pumping hard and his blood has rushed up to his head after that long run. He is thinking well again and he knows what has to be done. Repentance will be his first step followed by the resolution to change for the better. He needs the guidance, “Ustaz, can you show me to the right path. I want to be a man. A true man”. The ustaz smiles and says, “May Allah give us the guidance and may He accept our repentance”. He then concluded, “Don’t just be a man. Be a man with iman and taqwa. That is a true man”.

قال عليه الصلاة والسلام: كل بني آدم خطاء وخير الخطائين التوابون


Friday, October 28, 2005

The Sweetness of Ukhuwah fillah

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

اللهم صل على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم



The Sweetness of UKHUWAH FILLAH
By Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman


قال الله تعالى: (وألف بين قلوبهم لو أنفقت ما في الأرض جميعا ما ألفت بين قلوبهم ولكن الله ألف بينهم) – الأنفال 63
قال ابن مسعودرضي الله عنه: هم المتحابون في الله

“Banat.. Awrad!”, the usual common call could be heard every time the prayers have been performed. The girls of DaruzZahra in Tarim Hadramaut would read the awrad together in similar pace and there were no excuses for them to skip it. Only those who were not feeling well would be given exception and be left in their rooms. “Hanna, let us join the awrad with the others”, said Nur while pulling Hanna out from under the cover. Hanna has no energy to get up but she couldn’t refuse Nur. Nur had no idea that her sister was ill. She was only doing her duty as a sister to Hanna and Hanna understood that. That was why she obliged without complaining. She stood up, followed Nur and fell to the ground. “Ya Allah, what’s the matter with you Hanna?” Nur ran to her sister’s aid.

Both Hanna and Nur were sisters but not in blood. They were sisters at heart and Iman. They loved each other for the sake of Allah and with this, they have tasted the sweetness of Iman. They had vowed to do good deeds and to remind each other in doing so while refraining oneself and another from bad deeds. When they were together, they would make sure that their time was not being filled with unnecessary activities. Their conversations only revolved around knowledge and other useful topics. If either one of both was ill or in trouble, the other would be by her side. If either one of both was crying, the other would cry along with her and later then she would ask the reason of her sister’s grief. They have never been seen wasting time and never did both eat at the same time for when one was eating, the other would be reading a book to her and vice-versa. That was their sisterhood. Their love for Allah and Rasulullah came first though. Only that, they wanted to be together journeying in the path of righteousness; the path towards Allah.

Hanna has been ill for quite some time and might be sent home for treatment. Both sisters knew that they would soon part but they were strong in handling emotions. How could they refute fate and so, in the state of redha they were. The moment has come for Hanna to leave for her country and Nur was joining her, not her body but her heart and soul.

Few months have passed and Hanna was well again after treatment and Nur was already at her country. Both came from different countries. They kept in contact with phone calls, consoling one another with advices and words of wisdoms.

Hanna had received another call from Nur in another country which was not her own. "وصيني بالنصيحة" , Nur asked her sister for advice. "عليك بالصدق بينك وبين الله" ,advised Hanna. “Indeed I have to be truthful. I am happy at this moment”, the line cut of as soon as Nur finished her sentence. Another few months went by without any phone calls from Nur. Hanna was feeling restless. She didn’t know where Nur was and how to contact her. Then, the long-awaited call came with Nur online in another different country. Hanna was excited and began to ask for news. “But first, وصيني بالنصيحة ”, Nur asked for advice again. "إن الله يملك كل شيئ فارجعي أليه بقلب صدق", advised Hanna. “Indeed I have to be truthful. I am happy at this moment”, said Nur. “I am glad to hear that you are fine and happy but please tell me where are you and when can we meet?” Asked Hanna. “I will write to you soon InsyaAllah”, Nur said and their conversation ended.

A week later, Nur’s letter did arrive. In it, she wrote.

Dearest Ukhti fillah,
I should be thankful for your advices. Just as you have been my strength in my journey in this life, those advices have also been my strength throughout the final days of my life. I am very ill at this moment my dear and I don’t know how much longer can I last. I’ve been sent to one country after another to receive treatments but none was successful. When I was at the verge of breaking down, I called you for advice and you said that I have to be truthful in whatever comes between me and Allah. I was being truthful when I mentioned that I was in a state of happiness. Why wouldn’t I be when I was given the attention by Allah (إذا أحب الله عبدا ابتلاه). Then I called for advice again and you said that Allah owns everything and so return to Him with a truthful heart. I was being truthful again when saying that I was happy. Why wouldn’t I be when I will be returning to Him soon in a state of redha with His imtihan upon me. This doa اللهم أحب لقائك فأحب لقائي was read by Abu Hurairah before he breathed his last and I’ve the same hope as he once had but who am I to compare myself with him. May Allah forgive us and May His Rahmah be bestowed upon us all. He is indeed the Most Merciful. Ya Allah please gather us in the hereafter with our beloved Prophet Muhammad and among the solihin.

You had asked me on when could we meet. Aren’t we not akhawat fillah? Arent we not love each other for Allah’s sake?. If all this while we have been truthful towards Allah and each other, we will surely meet again in a good state in the hereafter InsyaAllah. Before I end this letter, please be known of THE SWEETNESS OF IMAN as was said by our beloved Prophet.
قال رسول الله صلى اله عليه وسلم : ثلاث من كن فيه وجد حلاوة الايمان, أن يكون الله ورسوله أحب اليه مما سواهما وأن يحب المرء لا يحبه إلا لله وأن يكره أن يعود في الكفر كما يكره أن يقذف في النار
إذن يا أختي الغالية, أحبك في الله ولله تعالى.

الفقيرة إلى الله, راجية لمغفرته ورحمته:

نور Nur


Hanna was speechless. She read the letter over and over again, not wanting to believe. The phone rang and she was hoping that Nur’s voice would be at the other end laughing and saying gleefully that her letter was a jest. But Nur never lie and she always say that a mu’min never lie. “Yes Hanna speaking”, she answered. The voice sounded like Nur’s but it was not hers. It was Nur’s mother. She didn’t need to tell for Hanna already knew. “ إن لله وإن إليه راجعون , may Allah reward you and your family for all the patience and let us not forget her in our prayers”, said Hanna to Nur’s mother.

Nur was a treasure. If she was to be alive, her good words and deeds will surely move many hearts but she was taken away so soon and Allah knows best. “My boyfriend left me and I love him still”, said a friend consulting Hanna. “Your love is not for your friend. That is pure evil. Your love is only for Allah and Rasulullah. You should love nothing else or no one else except loving them in the cause of Allah, only for His sake and for righteousness”, Hanna advised and continued, “be known of THE SWEETNESS OF IMAN…..”. Nur was in Hanna’s mind again.
(أحبك الذي أحببتني له) May He for whom you have loved me, love you.

وبهذه المحبة أيضا التي أظلتهم يظلهم الله تعالى تحت ظل عرشه يوم القيامة. عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه قال: قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: إن الله تعالى يوم القيامة يقول: أين المتحابون بجلالي, اليوم أظلهم في ظلي, يوم لا ظل إلا ظلي

بقلم الفقيرة إلى الله
نادية هانم بنت عبدالرحمن
جامعة الأزهر بالمنصورة

Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Foul Smell from Those Mouths

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

اللهم صل على سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم


The Foul Smell from Those Mouths
By Nadia Hanim AbdurRahman


The sweet smile was still on her face although harsh words were being thrown on her. She seemed normal with no defects on the outside whatsoever. That’s what I thought. “It’s the brain that spoils her outer decent sweet looks. Don’t be easily deceived by that”, said a friend. “Deceiving me on what?” I asked. This girl was a hot topic among the friends. She’s not considered as one of us for she never joins us. Not that she didn’t want to but the friends didn’t dare to befriend her. “She’s pure crazy. Observe her for yourself and you’ll understand what I mean”, said another friend and I believed her. I too didn’t want to be associated with someone crazy and felt safer in this circle of friends. I was new to this place and I didn’t want to be left alone with no friends.

It has been only a month since I first arrived in this new environment where I’ll be seeking knowledge in a total different condition. Within this short period of time, I’ve managed to blend in myself with the friends. It’s not at all difficult to do so. Just mixed around and joined in their topic of interest by showing your attentiveness towards it. With them were various topics, from general knowledge to personal information. In our meetings, we would talk and the interaction bonded the friends. I was already part of the friends.

“Hey girls, I saw mad-smiley doing it yesterday. I think it’s like what you all saw. At last I got to witness it with my own eyes. It was scary. I am confident that she has some loose screws up that head”, said one of the friends laughing. Others joined in the laughter upon hearing the latest news on mad-smiley, the name which they had given the crazy girl. The friends were together again, talking and laughing. At present mad-smiley has been their best topic. They would exchange stories about her and make jokes on her. It was said that mad-smiley always smile but seldom talk. “She does talk but to no one. Nobody is near her but her lips keep on moving and miming words, which never vibrate any sound waves. When asked to whom is she talking to, she will only smile. At times, she will be seen crying while her lips are still moving. That’s what I saw yesterday, for the first time. Its hard to make out what sentence is she trying to form. Its like she’s in her own world”, said the same friend again. “I think she is from another planet and people on her planet speaks the way she does, just by moving their lips without sound”, said another friend, making a jest out of mad-smiley. We laughed again and continued.

That day, we were having discussions among all the students. We discussed on strong and serious topics. Together we brainstormed to find solutions for problems, which the communities particularly in our country are facing. “The Muslim youth in our country is at a breaking point. Their behaviors are worsening and they have been influenced by indecent cultures and lifestyles. It is our responsibility to nurture these generations with what we have learned here so as to safe them from blindness”, began a friend with much charisma. Soon, others joined her with their own convincing statements. The topic was interesting and the students kept on interacting and giving out ideas. The friends were very impressive themselves, giving out bombastic statements. These are the future dynamic nurturers and all of them talked and presented themselves confidently. “I doubt that we are ready to take up the responsibility. They are blind but we too are no different from them. We are also blind. How can a blind help a blind out of the darkness?” an unfamiliar voice could be heard in the midst of their hot discussion. Everyone was in silence upon hearing that. They were now staring at the person who has voiced out suddenly from the far end of a corner.

Surprisingly, she was mad-smiley. Mad-smiley stood up and continued, “I apologize for interrupting and I have no intention to take over this discussion. I am standing here in front of these great future nurturers to remind myself as well as all of you. This is my first responsibility before taking up greater responsibilities in the future. In The Name of Allah The Most Gracious The Most Merciful. All Praise to Him for giving us the opportunity to gather in a good state and InsyaAllah in His redha. This is one of His uncountable Ni’mat bestowed upon us. Allah has created us in the best form. We can talk, discuss and giving out ideas at this moment for we have mouths and brains. The problem is that, we are so proud of what we can do with those mouths and brains that we tend to over exceed in using them. We talk and talk until we over exceed in talking without us realizing it and that is how ghibah, fitnah, kizb and kalam fadhi come about. With our brains, we think of solutions for so many problems faced by other people but what about ourselves? Do we ever think of finding solutions for our own shortcomings? Especially in getting rid of the foul smell from those mouths made by ghibah, fitnah, kizb and kalam fadhi. With this, I am reminding myself and all of you to repent before asking others to repent. May Allah’s Redha and Rahmah be blessed upon us and May He forgive us and guide us to the light. Again, I apologize”. Mad-smiley ended her speech with a doa for everybody and returned to her seating position with a smile.

Nobody felt like speaking afterwards. They started to ponder. I could see the expressions of guilt from the friends’ faces. They began to realize their mistakes. I turned to look at Mad-smiley and wondered, “How could she be crazy if she could speak up in that manner?” That was the first time I heard her voice. She had spoken in a relaxed tone and posture but her words were somewhat true. I decided to confront her later but first, I have to know her name. I was so ashamed of myself for calling her names like mad-smiley and crazy girl instead of finding out her real name. “Her name is Balqis”, said somebody, answering to my question.

“Assalamu’alaikum Balqis? I’m Faqirah in first year Usuluddin”. “Wa’alaikumussalam Warahmatullah”, Balqis answered my salam with her usual sweet smile. She kept quiet, leaving me feeling awkward. “What year and in what course are you in?” I was trying hard to start a nice conversation with her. “In the final year Usuluddin InsyaAllah”. A very brief answer from her. She smiled again and her lips began to move. I assumed that she wanted to say something and so, I positioned my ears nearer but nothing came out from her mouth. The friends have been mentioning about this and now, I was experiencing it myself. I didn’t want to jump to conclusion like the friends did by saying that Balqis was crazy just because her lips moved without words. “Excuse me Balqis, if I ask you something regarding yourself, will you answer? I asked. “InsyaAllah”, that’s all she said. I continued with the question which has been loitering in my head, “Are you talking to yourself every now and then?. “What makes you think so?” asked Balqis smilingly. “Well, you’re lips are always moving but you are not talking to anybody. So, I just assume. I’m sorry for thinking that way”, I said frankly.

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: من كان يؤمن بالله واليوم الآخر فليقل خيرا أو ليصمت
The Messenger of Allah –PBUH said: (Whosoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak what is good or keep silent).

Balqis read me this hadith which all of us have heard of and learned before but rarely put into practice. Na’uzubillahi min ghadabillah. She then said, “this tongue which is in each and every mouth has the ability to drag us to the hellfire. The hadith from our beloved Prophet has taught us clearly on how to control the tongue. It looks easy but rarely we practice silence should there be nothing good to say and to talk about. We will start to talk and follow our nafs until the conversation becomes ghibah and worst still, fitnah when we start making up stories on other people. We do aware that in the quran has been mentioned that fitnah is worst than killing but people just love to make up stories so that they can win over other people’s attentions to their stories. wal’iyazu billah. These fitnah, ghibah, kizb and kalam fadhi bring forth foul smell from the mouth. The Malaikat will stand hundreds of yards away when jotting down the deeds prior to the foul smell. As was told, Saiyidina Abu Bakar Assiddiq RadiAllahu ‘anhu had been seen putting a small pebble in his mouth and when wanting to talk, he would think first and only if its necessary to have that conversation would he then brought out the pebble from his tongue and mouth. Subhanallah!”, Balqis cried as she finished her story and her lips began moving again. I waited silently for her to cease crying. So, this was what the friends had been mentioning about. She cried while her lips were moving and they thought she was crazy. I doubt so although I didn’t get the answer for my question on why were her lips moving. Eventually she ceased crying and continued with a verse from the quran and a hadith qudsi.

قال الله تعالى: الذين آمنوا وتطمئن قلوبهم بذكر الله* ألا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب
(Those who believed and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah. verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest).
قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: يقول ربكم تبارك وتعالى: يا بن آدم تفرغ لعبادتي أملأ قلبك غني, واملأيديك رزقا. يا بن آدملا تباعد مني فأملأ قلبك فقرا وأملأ يديك شغلا
(The Messenger of Allah-PBUH said, Your Lord, Blessed and Glorified be He says: O son of Adam, devote yourself to worshiping Me and I shall fill your heart with contentment and your hands with provision. O son of Adam, do not go away from Me for if you do, I shall fill your heart with poverty and your hands with occupation).

“I’ve been yearning for peace in this heart. By remembering Allah will I find that peace. In order to remember Him, I chose to mention Him and by busying myself with mentioning Him will make me not opting to talk unless necessary like the speech which I had given previously”. Explained Balqis in her soft voice. She looked straight at my eyes and smiled her sweet smile, “You need not worry my dear sister. You can be rest assured that I am just as normal as all of you. Only that my lips move in response to my heart which has Allah remembered and mentioned in it. Cleanse your heart first and InsyaAllah you’ll find your acts in par with the purity of the heart. It needs mujahadah and lots of doa. Keep us also in your doa”.
اللهم حققنا بمعنى السير إليك وأعنا على أنفسنا بالتقوى واجعلنا من أهل الصدق معك يا عالم السر والنجوى.اللهم اسلك بنا مسالك الأحباب واجعلنا من أهل الاقتراب.لا تحرمنا خير ما عندك لشر ما عندنا يا أرحم الراحمين.
Balqis ended our conversation with this doa. “I forgive all that has bad-talked me”, she said smilingly and walked away.

“Faqirah’s been talking to mad-smiley. What did she say to you? We never thought that she could voice out like that. We were wrong about her weren’t we?”, said the friends in guilt after realizing their mistakes.

“Yes, we were very wrong. Balqis has forgiven us. We have to repent and May Allah accept our repentance and forgive us too. He is The Most Merciful. We couldn’t let the foul smell stays in our mouths. Cleansing them begins from these hearts”. Faqirah touched her heart which is now yearning for Allah’s Redha.

يا إلهنا أنت مقصودنا ورضاك مطلوبنا فاحفظ ونوّر قلوبنا وألسنتنا حتى لا نظلم ولا نؤذي إخوةنا بها


بقلم الفقيرة الى الله راجية لمغفرته ورحمته
نادية هانم بنت عبدالرحمن
جامعة الأزهر بالمنصورة